|Date:||September 29, 1995|
I have been connected to Jeff Litton since February of last year. He has always made himself and been available to help me with "maintenance man" type duties and has extended his help to me on many occasions as I have him. We have hung out together quite a bit as well. I had, last year, tried to mock up a 2D with him but he did not want to and so we did not. After I broke up with my former boyfriend in May of this year, Jeff and I connected back up and started staying in comm. Here are some of the things that went on during this time:
The thing that kept happening for me was I continued to feel a reach for him in the area of the 2D and I would usually tell him that my intentions toward him were leaning more in the direction of the 2D instead of the 3D. We would always discuss it, usually at length and each time the conclusion was that it would not work because I did not completely fit his ideal scene, we were friends but he said the 2D scene with me just did not appeal to him. I also could not honestly say that he aligned to my dynamics completely either.
Around March, I had just broken up with my boyfriend (same one as from May but an earlier break up), Jeff and I had dinner one night at Harrisons and we were talking about the 2D and how easy it was to get into but not so easy to get out of. I told him that I had decided what I felt I needed to do for my 2D is to date for at least 6 months first, before any commitment is made and that admin scales need to really be done and a good non e really couldn't be accomplished in 2 weeks, in my opinion. He told me then that if I ever wanted to "practice" with him, doing a real good thorough non-e and admin scale, that he would be happy to do it and to let him know. I took this as an intent to test the waters with me to see if I had any reach for him on the 2D, that was strictly my dub-in to his remark. I dismissed the remark.
We have always had physical attraction to each other and have not, for the most part, ever suppressed it. So, since May, almost every time we would see each other (at least 80% of the time), we would hug or kiss (sometimes quick, sometimes long and wet) openly displaying our affection. Our hugs (80% of the time) included me pushing my breasts intentionally against his chest and his hug contributed to that motion.
I encouraged this activity most of the time. I did get puzzled one time and asked him "so, if you are not interested in having a 2D
with me, what are we doing always hugging and kissing?" we would conclude that it was "just our game" and we both really enjoyed it. I would think in my mind, well, maybe he really IS considering a 2D with me but he just doesn't want to openly commit so he's easing into it quietly. I never really made him answer the question and I definitely dubbed in my own think on what was happening. This was a string I left hanging unhandled and was completely reasonable about it.
Once, after May 95, I told him I really did not think our actions displayed an appropriate 3D relationship as I did not act the way I do with him with my other 3D guy terminals, I wasn't hugging and kissing other guys, single or not. I told him that I thought we were calling a "this" a "that" and I really thought it was something we needed to knock off. He agreed and we decided that we would stop. But we didn't. Each time we saw each other we continued to have some sort of physical contact.
I was just as active in pursuing it as he was and I never really put my foot down. I enjoyed the apparent theta comm line and affection, I told him I loved it and he seemed to enjoy it too. Yet something was nagging at me about "what ARE we doing if we aren't having a 2D?". We didn't engage in full intercourse and only a couple of times were we involved in heavy petting (full details following) so I knew there was something that didn't add up yet I never pulled it down to investigate.
One time I made a comment like "we are doing what we agreed we wouldn't do AGAIN!" and he said something like "oh, I don't EVEN want to discuss this again". I dropped it and did not pull the string.
I constantly went back and forth with the idea.of having a 2D with him and we talked about 2D related things constantly. I constantly told him how much I loved him (not a mushy, kind of love though). I'd say "I love you so much, you are my best friend" and I never withheld that I loved him. He would tell me he loved me too. Sometimes I would say "do you love me?" He would always say yes. I would always share with him my cognitions about the 2D and I normally kept the comm on this subject to some degree or another.
We would openly say things like, I would ask "is your penis erect" or he would say my nipples were (modifier here, can't recall and exact one he ever used), these comments were laughed off. This was treated as commonplace in our conversations. This was "normal".
Once we went out dancing, we danced close, we walked arm in arm, we held hands coming and going. We kissed each other across the table.
Once he came over to my apartment and we were in my bedroom listening to music. We danced close to 2 or 3 songs and we rubbed our bodies together where I was rubbing on his leg and he was rubbing on mine. I felt his penis get erect and continued, knowing this. This lasted about 5 maybe 10 minutes. He left directly afterwards.
Once he came over and we were laying on my bed listening to music. We laid together for almost an hour, our bodies were touching, I was laying on him like I would my 2D. We teasingly kissed wet kisses. Gloria, my roommate, came in and he jumped a bit and moved to a different position. It was a missed withhold for me. I got this off in session.
Once while I was on an intense auditing program I came out of session and saw Jeff in the HGC. We hugged and kissed a quick kiss. I asked him what he was doing and he said nothing was planned so I asked him to come over to my apartment. He suggested we go swimming. Once we were in the pool and got close to each other we started a cat and mouse game where he would try and catch me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his middle a couple of times. We kissed. Brushes were made across my breasts unprotested. It was very close to "crossing the line" for me. I wrote it up to my auditor the next day and it was addressed in session. I told Jeff later that same week that I really felt it was a danger condition for me and didn't he agree he should do it also based on the fact that we had earlier agreed we were not intending to have a 2D so this type of activity should not be on the line. He said no he did not agree that he should do danger. He said he didn't care. That he didn't think about it being out ethics anymore and he really could care less. I ignored this and did nothing.
Once a fellow worker of mine said something like "I didn't know you and Jeff Litton were married!" I told him we weren't, we were just good friends, I noted the observation though.
Another time someone else commented that Jeff and I were 2Ds and I set them straight but I don't recall who it was.
I told him many times that I thought he was an ideal scene for me and my 2D. I probably told him 10 or more times from May to September. One time I recall him telling me directly that I would not really be ideal for him as he was wanting a 2D to work with him. Other remarks were made by both of us from time to time that were indirect and implications that a 2D would not work, yet we kept the physical part going. I wondered many times if he really did want a 2D but just couldn't confront the commitment.
September 15th, my graduation for Clear, we had dinner together at the Thai food restaurant. I had left a message for Jeff asking him if he wanted to play with me after graduation, it was like a kid asking "do you want to play?". At dinner, the first thing we did was kiss a wet and passionate kiss reaching each other across the table. He said that he got my message and that he would really like to but his libido was high and he really was having a hard time of it. He said he had really been very horny lately and if he got around me he knew he would not be able to control himself and he would attack me. I told him I trusted myself and I could keep my ethics in and I could keep his ethics in too. He said ok. After graduation we went to my apartment.
We danced in the living room close, affectionately like lovers for 4 or 5 songs. We went into the bedroom and layed on my bed, we kissed with tongues very active, we rubbed each others body parts,
avoiding overt contact with the genitals yet a couple of times we would "accidentally" brush a hand over a buttock or a breast or a penis, making it appear unintentional but I knew differently. It was sort of tacit that he was sleeping over, he turned over to go to sleep and I took off my top to get more of his attention. We rubbed some more. He kissed the inside of my thigh so close to my vagina I jumped, I rubbed across his penis intentionally. So here we go again. We are not 2Ds yet we are doing this sexual activity. I asked "what are we doing". Jeff's reply was "well, my ethics go in and out on it and I just really don't care". A red flag went up in my universe and I backed up fast. I told him that I was out ethics for encouraging him and that if he was out ethics then the thing to do was for me to take responsibility for him and help him through it. I told him I could do RPEC or conditions or any kind of handling he needed to get it handled. He did not originate wanting my assistance. I told him I really thought it would be best if he leave. He did.
I looked at what I needed to do to help handle him but never 8C'd anything through. He had been trying to get in to see Marcus, the MAA, on his petition cycle and I daily TR3d that and had been for the past 3 weeks. I recognized my own failure to hold my position with him and how I was setting a lousy example. I read An Open Letter to all Clears and got what I had done was gross. I decided to set it straight and get my ethics in.
The next time I saw Jeff I originated that I wanted to help him on his conditions. He said that no one could duplicate "his reality" of the conditions and that no one had ever successfully helped him apply the conditions and it always ended up people evaluating for him and he didn't like it. I told him I wasn't interested in explaining the conditions but that I'd helped a lot of people on it in the past and he was my friend and I'd be very happy to help him as well. That I wanted to do whatever possible to get his scene cleaned up. He had no reach. I dropped it.
Our comm line continued in the vein of calls everyday, "honey" and "darling" titles by both of us, invitations to dinner, plans of when are we going to see each other again? I'm still thinking, well, hell, maybe it's moving along here and he secretly does want a 2D with me. That was the easiest thing to confront.
On September 22 Jeff came over and we sat in my living room. We turned on the music and just sat back listening to it. We kissed. I kept my breasts away from him and held his hands to his chest so he could not touch me. But I kissed him like I've never kissed anyone before. It lasted about 5 minutes, tongues sucking inside each others mouths, I sucked on his lip, we licked each others mouths. We created every motion with a tongue you could with a penis. WOW, WHAT A KISS!!! We both marveled at what we had done. Even though no genitals were touched I sure felt like I'd just been involved in some heavy foreplay. I sent him home directly.
Later when we talked we both commented on what an incredible kiss we had made.
Sometime the early part of September while we were talking on the
phone, he suggested we run a "pilot program" on the 2D. It was his origination and I completely dubbed it in as an invitation to pursue the 2D on a safe gradient for him. Twice we talked about this pilot program in some detail and off and on during our conversations it would be mentioned as our new game. I asked him how long did he think it should last and he said two weeks. He said we could resign if it went well for the first two weeks. I asked him how would it be different than what we already had existing, what was his idea of how it should be? I don't recall his answer. I asked him if we would have sex? He said that would be up to me. I was definitely running with this plan seriously and made no indications otherwise. I asked him "do you have ANY considerations about the physical aspect of our relationship whatsoever, the fact that THAT part would work?" He said "yes". I was flabbergasted. So I asked "you mean to tell me that with ALL the loving and hugging and kissing and carrying on and how our bodies get along together that you think there could be a problem?!?" He said yes. So I said "how so?". He said he wondered if, after we have sex things would be wierd and uncomfortable like they sometimes are in a 2D. I think "well, this is a legitimate concern, I wouldn't necessarily want to be restimulated with sex either." The next night on course I'm reading in Dianetics about sex and how restimulative it is and realized I needed to address this with Jeff so he could be more cause over it and the solution was to just keep our TRs in, or whatever handling we felt appropriate to keep it from creating restimulation. The point being, there was tech to handle it and we could.
I am thinking, now this could work possibly, I told him at least twice I was thrilled with the idea of us doing a pilot and I thought it was a great idea, let's just do it and see if we ARE compatible. He agreed.
Thursday, Sept 28 I called Jeff after I got out of course. I wanted to go over this sex restim thing and see if there were any other concerns he had before we officially began the pilot. I was in a very good mood and I started off in a sort of challenging mood telling him we needed to talk about some things and he needed to put his gloves on, he asked his real gloves or his theta gloves, I told him his theta gloves! I told him I had something I needed to discuss with him concerning our pilot program. We decided to go to dinner.
At the restaurant, he admitted his ruds were out, he didn't recall if he'd eaten lunch and he had only gotten 5 hours sleep the night before, two days earlier he had stayed up all night working. I told him it was gross that he let his body ruds go out so bad. He said he had no choice with his schedule the way it was, he had a lot to do. I asked if he had the help could he use it, not necessarily me, but a trained artist. He said sure. I told him my dept one was pretty good and I could definitely round up some people to help him. He commented that he couldn't wait for an auditor to ask him about out rudiments of LONG DURATION because he DEFINITELY had them, he had ARC breaks of LONG DURATION and problems of long duration and withholds of long duration and to just have those things addressed would be all he needed. He remarked that he had always had a hard time being straight with me, I asked him why and I don't recall getting an answer. He asked me what did I want to talk to him about
anyway, concerning the pilot program. I asked him if the sex thing could be handled to his satisfaction, was there ANYTHING else he was concerned about or had his attention on. He asked me what did I mean by "the sex thing?" So I demo'd it on the table. I took two creamers and said now here we are. I took two sweet & lows and put them in from of the two creamers and said, now this is our comm line to each other, this is the theta, the fun, the game, the love and care and ALL the things about our comm line that make it what it is. I then took the salt shaker and put it in the middle of the sweet n lows and said now from what I understood you to say earlier, your concern is that sex (being represented by the salt shaker) could potentially ruin or upset our special comm line, is that correct? He pointed to the sweet n lows and said "but what is THIS exactly?" as if no explanation had been given whatsoever, I had just told him what that represented was our comm line and the special quality of it. I got confused about what his question was so I went on to say: well, here's the bottom line, as far as I'm concerned, in a 2D the comm line IS the most critical thing there is, it is the vehicle which steers the activity and improves its survival so if it is not strong and functioning then the whole activity can go to pot. The 2D can only be created from what that comm line allows.
He then said he had something to tell me, that it was hard for him and it was probably just as well his ruds were out because otherwise he probably never would say what he was about to say. He said that when he introduced the idea of the "pilot program" to me, that deliberately "baited" me and that he didn't, never has and probably never will have the intent of mocking up a 2D with me. He said he wanted to let me know because he could tell I might be starting to take him seriously. Then it hit me, something is awfully wrong with this picture. I felt pretty enturbulated and told him so, I tried to explain that I was not upset at the fact that he did not want to have a 2D with me, it was more like an invalidation that I felt. Here I had mocked this up to be some sort of incredible theta, super special, close, intimate, best friend kind of comm line (2D or no 2D) and what is happening is it just crumbled to bits. I asked him if he knew that I had had 2D ints for him and he said off and on, yes. I asked more "off" or more "on", he said more "on" but it really depends on what time frame we are talking about. I asked since May 95 up to the present, would you say you have perceived my intentions as more off or more on? He said more on. So you have known that I have wanted to have a 2D with you and that I was pushing that? He said yes. I asked him, then why did you feel the need to "bait" me? You already knew I was interested, what purpose did baiting serve you? I think he said that he just wanted to test the waters to see what it might reveal but I do not recall exactly, it was at this point that I became the most enturbulated so I don't know for sure what the answer was. I shed a few tears. I was actually surprised at my reaction and noted it was non-optimum. I told him it was quite a loss for me, this idea I had that our comm line represented something special but that I recognized I was not innocent in it and that I definitely had a motivator and pulled this in so I obviously have not confronted something but that I definitely would. That I wasn't happy about what I had just learned but that I didn't "blame" him for my upset. My concern equally was what did he intend to do about it. He said that he just needed to go in session. He said that he also recognized his integrity was out
and exactly what point it was that was out. I said which. He said the one that says your integrity to yourself is more important than your body. Because he got these urges from the body and he knew that he really should not pursue them but that he did anyway.
I drove him home and he said that he really did love the theta of our comm line and our game and how we danced and played together and that was something he really didn't want to lose. I forget what I said but it was a short ack. Then he put his hand on my back and said how he really wanted to kiss me goodnight but that he would feel (something, I don't recall exactly), wierd or funny is probably the best concept I can think with. I told him I really didn't want him to kiss me. He said that he wanted me to know that I could call him anytime, day or night, even if it was at 3:00 a.m., it did not matter, I could call him if I needed to talk. I thanked him and drove home.
Additionally, since I have known Jeff, he has had an unhandled debt to the IRS which he has been working on to handle by offering the IRS counter offers yet I believe this is still not completely handled. He had an incident occur on his lines last spring which he reported (to me) as an injustice concerning another local Scientologist that could have an ill-effect on his reputation which to my knowledge is still unhandled.
He has been incomplete on Grade Zero for 10 years.
He has an incomplete petition to resolve his status as an illegal PC and that has been ongoing for at least the past year. He did tell me he is working on getting a local Scientologist, Debbie Ward, to help him reg other Scientologists to put money on their credit cards to help get his intensive as quickly as possible.
I know he has spoken to Bennetta Slaughter concerning some work she has for him which he said she agreed to advance him the money in order to pay for his intensive, this was about two weeks ago I believe and to my knowledge this has not been completely done.
Another person I know has agreed to deliver his security check provided it can be approved by Flag.
I personally had his PC folders (via my D of P) retrieved from the tank and delivered to the MAA, Marcus at FLAG, in order to get his ethics cycle expedited so progress could be made on his program. To my knowledge nothing has moved on it and according to Jeff, he has made at least 5 attempts to meet with the MAA.
He told me he wrote Sr. C/S Int to report that his cycle was bugged so some action could occur on it, this was about a month ago.
Jeff is extremely talented as an artist and has contributed a tremendous amount to the PR of the Church through his good works. I consider him to be someone very worth salvaging.